It's true. You fall and spiral into a deep, dark hole until you are so far down the light from above is barely visible. You know, the kind of dark that makes it impossible to see your hands in front of your face. The kind of dark that we fear as children, and pretend not to as adults. The kind of dark that consumes you. You are alone, surrounded by darkness, and the only thing you feel is the numbness taking over every inch of your body until all feeling is gone. Half of you wants to reach around to find a way out, while the other half wants to stay in the darkness; for as terrifying as it may be, there is a certain comfort there. So, maybe you'll stay just a bit longer.
Somehow, somewhere amongst the darkness, something incredible happens. You weren't expecting it, and honestly, you weren't ready for it, but in an instant you are flooded with emotions.
...Emotions that you had pretended weren't there, because maybe, just maybe if you ignored them long enough they would go away and you would never have to feel them. But now, they're here. All of them. And the raw, searing sting of pain pierces your heart and your head throbs with memories that never were and never would be. The emptiness in your stomach makes you nauseous. You feel everything. Every moment is relived. Every dream you had for that precious life is once again ripped from your clenched fists. And even though it's all too much, you notice that with each gut wrenching blow of pain, the light above gets a bit brighter.
...So you fight. You fight for the light above. You fight for the light lost inside of you. Not only do you feel the pain, you embrace it. You welcome it in, because you know there are only two options here, and, for you, staying in the darkness is not one of them.
There comes a point when you know it's over. All the pain you had to feel has been felt. You don't have to open your eyes to know that the darkness has lifted. You feel the warmth from the light above. You aren't out of the hole you fell into, that will take time, but for now, the fog has begun to lift.
When you finally open your eyes you are nearly blinded by the light. You look around and see a beautiful staircase leading to the top just a few yards away. Maybe it had been there the whole time, but you know better than that. And it's in that instant that you realize you were never alone at all. Not even for a second.
Now that your path is lit, you know you must climb that beautiful, yet daunting staircase. Sometimes just knowing that it's there is enough.
There will be days when you are only able to climb a single step, others you climb five or six, and every now and then you'll fall all the way back down to the bottom.
No matter how long it takes you, you will eventually get back up there with all of your loved ones who have been pushing, and sometimes even pulling, you up this entire time. Maybe the pain of losing a child (no matter what the gestation or age) never gets easier, but I believe that it becomes a part of you- the stronger, able-to-carry-more, you, and that makes it bearable.
At the end of the day, the only thing I know for certain is that you just have to keep going. No matter how hard it may be, you have to. And you can. Even on the days you know you can't and have no faith in yourself, know that somewhere, someone out there knows you can. Because they did.
We are one in four. We are the silent grievers that no one understands and no one will ever understand until they've walked in our shoes (and we all pray they will never have to). We are too often overlooked and our precious babies forgotten as quickly as they came.
But there are many of us, all around the world, rooting and praying for others going through the hell that we remember all too well. There's so much we want to tell you, yet we know that there is such a bold statement that the silence speaks when facing such a painful loss.
So, for now, just know that you are not alone. Things will get better. I promise you. Better yet, God promises you. A rainbow is waiting for you just beyond this storm. Hang on tight and listen closely. Somewhere amongst the silence you will hear our voices saying 'you can get through this.' And you will.
xx R
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