The Pull

This past week I had a bit of a mini meltdown. Jake had to leave for three days for a conference in Palm Springs last weekend, and is taking his drama students to Disneyland for four days this weekend.
So last Friday, the first night of him being away, I found myself in my cranky, tired, the-girls-are-asleep-I-can-finally-breathe state. Jake called to catch up, and say goodnight, and I was just about to say how it was kind of fun to talk on the phone like the good old high school days, when next thing I knew there were tears. Maybe it was because I missed him, maybe it was the hormones, or maybe it was because I realized my sheets were covered in spit up, possibly urine, and a smushed up fruit snack, but there I sat crying, and trying to explain to him, The Pull.
Now I might as well just fess up now. I was a little jealous. There I said it. Sometimes at 2pm when Brielle is writing on kitchen cabinets with a Sharpie, and I'm busy cleaning up the mustard yellow watery crap that made its way all the way up Eisley's neck during an A+ blowout, I stop and imagine myself laying alone in a quiet hotel room bed. Cranking up the air conditioning that I don't have to pay for, and enjoying the cable channels that we can't afford. A night's sleep not interrupted by a baby wanting my boob, or a toddler screaming, insisting I be the one to put her covers back on.
And aside from the hotel room and escape from reality, I envied Jake's sense of purpose in life. How nice it would be to come back from a conference feeling empowered and inspired, to feel well equipped to teach the next generation the knowledge they need to go out and contribute to this world.
Because here at home I'm continually struggling to teach our three year old how to say
please. Like every damn time, "What's the magic word?"
JUST SAY THE MAGIC WORD, CHILD. YOU MEMORIZED THE ENTIRE LITTLE EINSTEINS THEME SONG. I KNOW YOU KNOW THE MAGIC WORD.
And yes, I know my husband's job is hard. Heck, I know HAVING a job is hard. Don't for a second think I don't. But how nice it would be to feel the affirmation of test scores and administrator's observations. Because most days the only thing I feel that's being tested is my patience and the only observation I get is from the asshole at the high school football game who told Brielle that she needed to tell me to trim her nails. COOL STORY, BRO. YOU'RE LUCKY THE KID IS WEARING PANTS, BECAUSE THAT WAS A THIRTY MINUTE FIGHT AS WE WERE LEAVING THE HOUSE.  (Sorry Jesus, Grandma, and any possible future employers, but sometimes there is no adequate synonym for asshole.)
And it's not like I don't think the job I'm doing isn't important. It is. The most important. But the problem is that while I'm doing it, I feel so little. Yet, at times, that I'm failing so big. There's no way of knowing if what I'm doing is right. No raises or promotions. (Even though I can breastfeed and simultaneously dump the store bought jar of spaghetti sauce into the pan like NOBODY'S BIZZNASS. Like seriously, promote me.)
It's hard to see progress. It's hard to see that what I'm doing is really making a difference. Is Brielle going to turn out to be the awesome person I imagine her to be or will she always be the little bully who can't share a toy to save her life, and who growls at me when I tell her no?
So that night on the phone when I sat in the bed covered in spit up, possibly urine, fruit snack, and now tears, Jake argued and suggested that I COULD do those things and that I SHOULD. "You go to Disneyland! I'll stay with the girls." he said.
And I laughed. Because that's where things get complicated. The Pull.
As glorious as that quiet hotel room sounds, I can't find it in me to stay there alone.
My role as mama to the girls is consuming. I can handle going on date nights. I can handle sleepovers at grandma and grandpas. But the thought of being that far away from them for an extended amount of time hurts me physically. To my core. Just the thought!
Is this how it is for all moms? Probably not. Is it unhealthy? Perhaps. But for me, right now, this is my reality.
So (after my sarcastic, dramatic, borderline evil laugh...sorry babe) when I denied Jake's offer to go to Disneyland for four days, he told me I was contradicting myself. The only response I had to offer is that yes I was, and that was the point. That's what leaves me feeling suffocated at times. So confused and consumed. I desperately want to have a break like that, to experience a big slice of freedom, but simultaneously disguised as the two prettiest little girls my eyes have ever seen, my heart and my soul are pulling me back.
And of course I know the strength of the pull will lessen. As they grow older, my ability to separate myself will grow stronger. But as it turns out, this only reinforces my feelings of needing to keep them close. Yes, the days are long. But the years are short. The reality is that some day I will miss the wiping of little butts, folding of little clothes, and rocking of little bodies. So yes, often times I feel like I'm failing miserably. And no, I don't often feel powerful or important. My mind wanders, and I picture myself doing something that requires me to run a brush through my hair. But that overwhelming pull confirms to me that I'm right where I should be.
And that's what leaves me here, sharing this with you. Because a little piece of me wonders if this is part of my purpose. Rhea and I spent some time on the phone yesterday talking about our excitement about The Mama Monologues, and why it is we choose to do it. We aren't making money. Our Adsense account has $18, and they won't pay us until we reach $100, then we'll split it in two. LOL. BUT we aren't doing this in hopes of money or fame. We are doing this because we pray that MAYBE somewhere, someone is reading or watching us talk about cracked nipples, tantruming toddlers, and the glimmer of jealousy we feel when our husband's leave for work in the morning, and think 'Hey! Me too! I thought I was the only one.' So if you too are overwhelmed with The Pull, please know you aren't alone. And if you think I'm a total freak, then carry on. You're probably right.

Xo Karissa

Merry Blogmas: Happy Birthday, Drew!

Okay, so with birthday shopping and party planning I'm a few days behind  (having a December baby always makes this time of year extra hectic), sorry! 

Today's blog post is dedicated to my (Rhea's) sweet, sweet Drew Cohen as he turns THREE. YEARS. OLD. *cue the water works* 

I absolutely cannot believe three years have come and gone. Year two, which I initially dreaded, wasn't terrible at all. Of course, he went through a few difficult stages where he would meltdown if someone looked at him the wrong way, but was it terrible? No. Trying? Absolutely.

This year was all about teaching and learning, for the both of us. Whether it was helping him navigate his emotions as he crumbled against a wall and began to hit his head against it because I told him he couldn't drink out of the dogs water dish, or forcing him to place his toy car up on the counter to pay for it at the store, he was learning and my patience was being tested. 

I honestly think patience and understanding are the two most important roles as a parent, especially 

in that second year of life. It was only once I took the time to realize the reasoning behind his tantrums and frustrations that I was able to help him through them the way that he needed me to. 

Anyways, enough rambling (I will have to write a blog post on all my many reflections of year two), and let's get to my boy.

Drew Cohen

Age: 3 

Height: 36.5 as of two months ago.

Weight: 29 

Saying: Everything. He communicates in full sentences (most of the time) and loves learning new words. If a new word sounds too funny to him he'll say 'no, that's not a ___.' It's so cute. He also started quoting movies- Shrek to be exact. The other day I got him in trouble for spilling sprinkles on the floor, and when I asked him if he understood he said 'okay, okay, for the life of Pete,' threw his hands in the air, and took off running. This kid, I tell ya. He tells made up stories to me and his baby brother and my heart swells each time. Hearing him tell me he loves me 'so much' is my favorite thing in life. 

Reading: Not yet. But he is starting to recognize letters. 

Counting: Still only to eleven, but he loves knows other numbers and enjoys putting them together. His favorite is 'dirteen-eweven-twenty'

Imagination: So. Much. Imagination. I find him playing alone talking up a storm all the time. He loves to play 'restaurant' where he asks 'so, mom, what you want fo dinna?' I order a cheeseburger, he fake cooks it, then he sticks his pointer finger in my mouth and says 'is it a good cheesebuga?' I say yes then he charges me 'twentyleven dollas.' This pattern continues for hours. It's really so fun. He also tells us stories about birds flying over oceans and baby frogs hopping in the sand to their mamas. This recent era of playing pretend is everything I imagined it'd be and so much more. 

Activities: Piano twice a week (he has his first 'recital' next week and I may just die seeing him in a tie behind a piano). Gymnastics once a week, although se haven't gone in a while because the weather and newborn. 

Likes: Spider-Man, PJ Masks, playing on phones (ugh), staying up late, jumping on trampolines, wrestling with dad, playing in the rain, telling stories to baby Miles, swimming in the bathtub, snuggling in the morning, running alongside the stroller on walks, and anything outdoors. Oh, and he recently became obsessed with the neighborhood cats- we have to go look for them at least once a day. 

Dislikes: eating, pooping in the toilet, getting dressed, wearing shoes, certain textures, being told 'no', getting out of the car, and getting within a five foot range of Santa Claus. 

Best Moment of the year: Seeing him become the best big brother ever. 

Looking forward to: Starting sports, preschool, and just watching him grow in general. 

-R

 

Merry Blogmas: Five Mama Must Haves

We go through a lot of phases when it comes to obsessions (especially when it comes to 'mom stuff'), but these five faves aren't going anywhere anytime soon. If you don't have them, get them. You can thank us later.

- R & K

1. Fawn Design Diaper Bag, $145.99 // Yes, it's pricey, but it's seriously the best. Big spacious pockets, faux leather that you can wipe clean, and backpack straps. Need I say more? 

2. DoTerra Essential Oils, $166.67 // I just recently purchased the Family Physician kit and a diffuser... Life. Changing. {prices vary}

3. Milk Snob Multi Functional Nursing Cover, $55 // Nursing Cover, shopping cart cover, car seat cover. Sold. 

4. Fisher Price Auto Rock 'n Play, $89.99 // You can't put a price on these magical sleep machines. 

5. Solly Baby Wrap, $65 // This wrap is everything. Light weight, stylish, soft, and so easy to figure out. I honestly don't know how I'd accomplish half the things I do without it. 

Merry Blogmas: A Gift Guide for Him

One of our favorite parts of the holidays is getting to spoil our husbands who work hard all year long to support our families. {Because, let's be honest, unless it's their birthday or an anniversary they are forgotten slightly overlooked in the gift receiving department.}

Here is our list of gift ideas for the special man (or men- can't forget about our awesome dads & brothers) in your life. Enjoy! 

- R & K 

1. Yeti Rambler Colster, $29.99 (Any man will love anything Yeti. If you are unsure this holiday season, Yeti is the answer.) 

2. Michael Kors Men's Chronograph Lexington Watch, $250 (Definitely a splurge, but if you're man enjoys watches, this one won't disappoint. Use code FRIEND for 25% off) 

3. True Religion Slouchy Knit Cap, $40 

4. GoPro Hero+ Camcorder, $199.99 (With prices ranging from $129 to $500+ the GoPro is sure to put a smile on your techy guys face without going over budget)

5. Ray-Ban Justin Polarized Sunglasses, $149.95 (We love everything about these.) 

6. MyPakage Weekday Boxer Briefs, $25 (Definitely not a gift to give your dad, but these boxer briefs make the perfect stocking stuffer.)

7. Fossil Ingrim Trifold Wallet, $30 (Because you just can't ever go wrong with wallets.)